What We Feel & What We Need
When things get difficult, most of us default to one of two classic moves. We either explode (cue shouting, door slamming, angry texts), or we go quiet, shut down, and disconnect.
In the moment, both these reactions can feel pretty good. After all, exploding can bring a kind of release, while shutting down can feel like a self-protective bubble from whatever’s overwhelming us.
But over time, as these responses repeat and repeat to form a pattern, they can create resentment, distance, misunderstanding, and leave us feeling even more alone, confused, and stuck. They stop us getting what we actually want.
One of the most helpful things I’ve learned - and work to support my clients with - is a practice of pausing and tuning in.
What am I feeling right now?
And what might I be needing underneath that feeling?
It sounds simple, but can be so, so powerful.
This approach is based on Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework, which emphasises that all of our emotions are connected to whether or not our core human needs are being met (Rosenberg, 2015).
For example, when we’re angry, we might find that what we are actually needing is respect or choice. When we’re anxious, we might be longing for clarity or safety. When we’re sad, perhaps we’re craving connection or understanding.
By drilling down into what we are feeling and, beneath that, what we are needing, we can start to address what is actually going on. The goal isn’t to get rid of the feeling; it’s to listen to it. Because when we can actually name what’s going on inside – to say, ‘I’m feeling frustrated because I need to feel heard’ - something shifts. We soften. We slow down.
We can respond instead of react.
Why This Matters
When we're disconnected from our needs, we lash out or shut down. As a result, we then have to contend with regret, confusion, or isolation on top of the original discomfort.
But learning to pause, to identify what we’re feeling, then ask ‘what need is underneath this?’ is incredibly empowering. It gives more choice, more clarity, and often a much more peaceful path forward.
A Few Gentle Practices
If you’re curious about starting to work with your own feelings and needs in tough moments, here are a few simple ways to begin:
Pause before reacting. Even just one breath can give you the time you need to get in touch with yourself.
Name the feeling. And try to get specific: Don’t just stick with ‘bad’ or ‘fine’; try ‘disappointed,’ ‘tense,’ ‘inferior’, ‘resentful’, ‘nervous’. Find a word that really captures what you feel.
Wonder about the need. Once you’ve captured the feeling, approach it with curiosity. What does it tell you about the need underneath? Is it tenderness? Space? Reassurance? Dignity? What might you be longing for in this moment?
Name it (even just to yourself). ‘I’m feeling ___ because I’m needing ___.’
And remember, you’re not aiming for perfection here. Just honesty and curiosity.
References
Rosenberg, M.B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. 3rd ed. Encinitas, Ca: Puddledancer Press.
