The Power of ‘No’ in Self-Care
When I was training, someone on my course said something that low-key blew my mind: When you say yes to one thing, you’re saying no to something else.
So many of us say ‘yes’ out of habit. ‘Yes’ to extra responsibilities. ‘Yes’ to emotional labour. ‘Yes’ to social plans we don’t really want. ‘Yes’ to helping others even when we are running on empty. But every yes takes time, energy, and attention - and that means something else is being pushed aside. Whether we realise it or not, when we constantly choose to say yes to others’ needs, it often means we end up choosing ourselves last.
Not Adding But Subtracting
Self-care is often framed as something to be added in; a walk, a bubble-bath, an evening in front of the TV. As a result, when life gets busy, it is often the first thing to be squeezed out of the schedule. But sometimes, self-care isn’t adding, but subtracting; creating space by saying no. It’s saying:
No, I won’t take that on right now.
No, that doesn’t align with my needs.
No, I need to stop for a moment.
No to urgency. No to guilt-led decisions. No to the version of you that never rests.
This isn’t selfish. It’s responsible. It’s a recognition that you are finite, and protecting your time and energy is what allows you to show up meaningfully in the areas that truly matter.
What Are You Saying No To?
Think about your past week: What have you said yes to? Saying yes to answering every WhatsApp or email instantly might have meant no to focused time for yourself. Saying yes to managing someone else’s emotional needs might have meant saying no to tending your own. Saying yes to someone else's urgency might have meant you ignoring your own boundaries.
I get it: Some things simply need to happen, right? Work needs to be done, children need to be looked after, loved ones need attention. This is not a call to renounce your responsibilities so much as an invitation to look at them with curiosity and start to wonder where saying no might be possible.
Rest As Radical
Once we begin to notice these trade-offs, we also start to see how rest - especially for those who are expected to always be ‘on’ — can become not just personal, but political.
Audre Lorde said ‘Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare’ (Lorde, 1988). She reminds us that particularly for those whose identities or experiences are shaped by marginalisation, rest and boundary-setting are not just personal choices, but radical, resistant acts. They push back against systems that expect endless output and quiet compliance.
This framing is echoed by Tricia Hersey, founder of The Nap Ministry, who writes: ‘We will rest. We will resist. Rest is resistance’ (Hersey, 2022).
To rest - to stop, to say no, to listen to yourself - is not lazy. It is a reclamation of humanity in a culture that profits from exhaustion.
Questions To Ask Yourself
If you find it hard to say no, try pausing with these questions:
What am I truly saying yes to, and what do I sacrifice by saying it?
Am I saying yes out of obligation or fear?
Am I trying to avoid discomfort by agreeing?
What will I need to give up in order to say yes?
Does this align with my values or goals right now?
Who benefits from me being constantly available?
If someone I cared about were in my shoes, what would I advise them?
Sometimes this pause alone - the moment of reflection - is the most powerful act of care we can offer ourselves.
Self-Care Can Be Confronting
Self-care isn't always comfortable. Indeed, it can feel deeply confronting, requiring you to face hard truths such as What are my actual limits? Where am I saying yes out of fear? What am I avoiding by staying busy or giving more than I have capacity for?
Self-care can mean disappointing others, confronting guilt, or breaking old patterns. Drawing a line where there has never been one before is hard work, and sometimes means choosing stillness over approval, or having to grieve the version of you who never asked for anything, who always kept going.
But it is through these small, difficult choices that we return to ourselves.
Over time, saying no gets easier.
And the more you practice, the more space you create for rest, for joy, for clarity, and alignment.
References
Hersey, T. (2022). Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto. Little, Brown Spark.
Lorde, A., Sanchez, S. and Keenan, J. (2017). A Burst of Light and Other Essays. Mineola, N.Y. :Ixia. (Originally published in 1988 by Firebrand Books, Ithica, New York.)
