How To Bring Hard Things

You stare at the clock, at the door, at the box of tissues on the table, while your brain whirrs and buzzes, and asks – again, again - whether today is the day you actually say it.

Your therapist is waiting. You could just blurt it out. Speak the words.

But then… What if you can’t get them right? What if it comes out sounding bigger – or smaller - than it really is? What if they think less of you?

No, says your brain. Not today. I’m too afraid.

So, you talk about work instead. Or a friend that’s been getting on your nerves. Anything less risky.

And then the session ends, and you promise yourself, next week, yes, next week, you’ll say it.

If you’ve been here before, you’re not alone. The hardest topics are hard for a reason, and the prospect of speaking about them – perhaps for the first time ever – can feel overwhelming.

It’s so, so important that you move at the right pace for you.

But I also know that it can be deeply frustrating when, even in therapy, during the time and space you have made for yourself, you still can’t say what you came to say.

And so, I want to talk about ways you can empower and support yourself in bringing the things you really need to talk about into the room.

Start Indirectly

It’s really important to remember that you don’t have to tell the whole story right away. In fact, you don’t have to tell any of it at first.

What about just flagging that there is something on your mind that feels difficult to say? This can help to move things forward, and allow your therapist the opportunity to check in regarding how they can support you.

Simple phrases like ‘there’s something I’ve been avoiding bringing up,’ ‘I’m not sure how to talk about this yet,’ or ‘this feels awkward to say’ can help to release that stuck feeling, and open a doorway for your future self.

Even just naming that there is a Big Thing in the room, but that you aren’t ready to talk about it yet, helps. You don’t have to walk straight up to it. You and your therapist can stay near the edges for now, at a safe distance. Over time, as the work continues, it may feel possible to step a little closer.  Until, one day, you’re ready to stand near enough to talk about it.

Try Writing It Down

If saying the words feels too scary, write them down instead. Seeing your thoughts down on paper, and experiencing what it is to put them out into the world, can bring relief and clarity.

A few bullet points, or even a single sentence, might also change how you feel about expressing yourself to your therapist.

You might choose to get rid of the paper straight away. Or, you might bring it to your session to read aloud from, hand over, or keep in front of you, so that your own words are there on the page to ground and support you.

Name the Fear

Often, it’s not the thing itself that freezes us. Sometimes, it’s what we imagine will happen after we say it.

Will they judge me? Will they be shocked? Will they think I’m overreacting?

I would really encourage you, if you can, to say whatever it is, out loud. By saying ‘I’m worried you’ll think I’m being dramatic’ or ‘I’m scared you’ll see me as weak’ – whatever it is – you can pin the fear in place, and by doing so, shrink its power.

Take Space After You Speak

When you finally say the thing, it’s okay to sit in the silence that follows. You don’t have to rush to explain, backtrack, or make it sound lighter.

Just let it land.

Let yourself breathe.

Your therapist should be with you in that silence, holding a space in which you can reflect on the courage you’ve shown, and helping you notice what comes up after you’ve spoken.

And Remember

The topics that feel heavy to carry alone are often the ones that shift the most once they’re spoken.

And you don’t have to spill everything in one go. You just have to crack the door.

Sometimes, that’s all it takes for light to get in.